did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
