Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
