My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I want to have your abortion
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
