2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
