He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
