; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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