just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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