how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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