The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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