I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize