She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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