Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
