I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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