she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
