Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
