Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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