I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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