She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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