i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize