So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
