Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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