So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
