dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just found a bag of teeth...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
