GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
