I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
