Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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