the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
