a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize