I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
