1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
