I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize