If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
