New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
