I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
