does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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