her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
