It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
