He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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