Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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