Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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