if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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