About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
