I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize