tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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