you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
