1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
zippers are such a cool invention
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
