Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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