hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize