I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
