So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
