Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
only you would photoshop your dick
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
