I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
