he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
time to smoke my breakfast
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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