i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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