Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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