did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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