I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
pop tarts are not kleenex
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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