I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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