Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
