I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
