connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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