the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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