I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
